Transparency.

Hi everyone, I know its been quite a while since I last wrote to you all…

But what does it mean to be transparent? Does it mean being open/honest to your loved ones? Does it mean being true to yourself? Does it mean telling someone something even though you know it will destroy them? To me… its all of the above. Before I begin, I want to let all of you know that I am sharing my personal life story with you in order to help the next girl/boy out there who is in a similar situation that made an unforgivable mistake. To give a person like me, who is feeling alone and in need, a friend, a voice, a reason, and most importantly some advice.

Coming clean: being true to yourself and telling your loved one some that you know will destroy them. That is exactly what I did. I was transparent to myself and to my mistake and most importantly to my (ex) boyfriend. I did the impossible by breaking the three years of trust that we have bonded together by making a mistake. Its your average college girl stereotype, a girl got super drunk and cheated on her boyfriend. Never in a million years would I think that this was the girl I would become and this would be the mistake I would make that would alter my life forever.

Telling them: This was hands down the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I have never felt so horrible, so guilty, and so sick to my stomach. But the thing is… I did it. I was transparent and opened myself up to the person who meant most to me in my life to tell them unforgivable. I was right when I told myself to expect the worse. Because certainly the worst happened when I told him. There were tears, there was screaming, there was hurtful words, there were endless apologies, but the worst was that there there was a breaking of a bond and a relationship and a loss of my best-friend. 

Be prepared: You are going to be hurt. You are going to get called unimaginable names. The person who you are telling is going to say whatever they can to try and hurt you as much as you hurt that person. But you need to remember; you are not the things that they are going to call you. You are NOT worthless, you are NOT a piece of trash, you are NOT an embarrassment, you are NOT a loser, you are NOT a slut. You WILL be loved by someone again and you WILL fall in love and be happy again.

Do not let the words they are saying get to your head. Do not think that you are any of the things they are saying to you. You made a mistake. You owned up to that mistake. Granted, it may be the biggest mistake that you have ever made in your life, but you owned up to your wrongdoing. You were transparent with yourself and with the person that meaned the most to you.

Would you forgive someone that did the impossible to you? Would you forgive someone that hurt you more than anything else? Because I don’t even know if I would if the roles were reversed.  You are going to want to fix things, you are going to want to make things better, you are going to want to take it all back and change your actions. But the thing is, you can’t. Whats done is done. You can’t expect the other person to forgive you and want to get back together or work things out.The only thing you can do now is FORGIVE YOURSELF.  Remember who you are and focus on bettering yourself, promising yourself to not make this kind of mistake ever again. It is not going to be easy, but you can do it.  

P.S. I guess it is true when people say that TIME really does heal all WOUNDS.

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